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Garden Center. Recipes and More. We started having issues when his kids would come and I would plan activities and work to get them to treat our house as a home. On vacation last year I was so upset by his reaction in an argument that I mentioned it to a common friend. They mentioned they thought he was autistic and figured maybe that attributed to the reaction. I was confused. Three days of googling. I was having anxiety actually went to the ED thinking it was a heart attack and horrified to realize how clearly, he fit the profile.
It explained so much……. He took a quick online test I found and argued about each question…………….. I was horrified at how he diminished it to water cooler gossip…………….
I Found 2 counselors online that I talked to in order to get more info on this new world to me, I was clueless about it…………. We have been seeing a 2nd counselor now since Feb and honestly have not seen any change. Then he acts friendly……………. My son started asking why he was sleeping in a separate room.
I had no response. No personal dialogue at all. The previous posts explaining that narcissism is part and parcel of Asperger's helped me see his behavior for what it was How easy it was for him to blame everything on me, explode with rage, and tell me he no longer had feelings for me. He would not allow me to speak. He had to have the last word.
After he broke up with me. He was immediately online looking for someone else. He is in denial about his Asperger's. It is easier for him to look for someone else than to face his "demons. No amount of love, patience, kindness, or self-sacrifice matters. Yes, "beating a dead horse" is an apt description. And, "Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces. My husband suddenly left to escape couples counseling and we were living separately for a year in a financially unsustainable way of his own making.
I had lawyers draw up a proposed divorce settlement. He didn't want a divorce so would not cooperate or discuss, but the financial and child situation did not allow me to leave without some reasonable cooperation from him. So we moved back in together. I tried to live as a self-sufficient, silent roommate but became depressed. Eventually, a year later, I broke down and told him I was not sure I could survive living together, that it is really not healthy for me to live with the lack of interaction, so much so that I often felt like I wish I could die, and that it had been really hard on me since he moved back in.
He, meanwhile, had seemed perfectly happy and clueless the whole time.
I told him I had been to a therapist, but her advice was to divorce. His only response was to say, "Holy bananas. So I said, "Well, I've been talking about that for decades now and I don't think this conversation is more likely than any of the others to accomplish good rather than harm, so I'm going out. He came to the car and said, "I have to ask you something.
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Do you have an actual plan to commit suicide or just a death wish? That was 3 months ago and there have been zero further words or changes on that or any other personal topic. He thinks he loves me and that he is a pretty decent husband. We've been married almost 30 years. Because of family and finances, I cannot divorce at this point I've tried a couple times and probably not ever, but have thoroughly detached emotionally.
We discuss any practical chores or arrangements by email while he is at work, and he cheerfully offers a sentence or two of bizarre news headlines while eating with the family in the evening. If someone tries to make conversation by asking him questions about the headline, he has no further information but will not admit that he has no actual idea what he is talking about. That is our entire personal interaction. Believe me, I have put in all the love and effort possible over the years, but the truth is, once I gave up, he became happier than ever.
He doesn't want a wife who talks or feels, reaches out, offers kind words or ideas. I'd realized long ago he wasn't into conversation or partnership, but he's actually chipper and helpful if I completely ignore him. I have to not even say "hello," "goodnight," or "thank you" and share nothing of my thoughts or feelings, ever, for him to seem relaxed and for me to not be constantly hurting. He used to be amazingly passive aggressive, but now that I ignore the hell out of him he is more helpful.
Shifts in your outlook can make a difference.
He still won't keep track of, plan, or remember anything, but he will do household projects that he wants to do with unfailing patience. I have to stay completely out of it and offer no advice, praise, or thanks or he goes passive aggressive again and delays or bungles the project.
It's very hard to have friends of my own. It sometimes heals but often breaks my heart to have good times with others. It takes a lot of energy to switch back and forth from husband interactions to loving, talkative people interactions. To receive caring from others makes it harder for me to live in peace at home and not feel sorry for myself. When I tried to divorce, my best friends knew, but one just kept trying to analyze and help my husband, the other is frustrated that I didn't end up leaving, so my best relationships became strained. I hate all the advice to get emotional sustenance from others.
My husband gets jealous if I have close relationships with others which adds additional difficulty. Not many married people socialize with just one of a married couple and I don't want to go anywhere with him. It's a hard row to hoe. They are charming outside the home, but change when they are inside home.
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Your spouse obviously believes he's really charming, which is an insult to you, his spouse, who sees his real behaviour. He just said, if he was like what he is at home, outside, no-one would talk to him. Then he said he's his real self outside. What do I make of this? Because we grew up in two different countries, speaking different languages, I initially blamed our painful communication issues on cultural differences.
Bob and I shared the same career interests.